In 2008 the blog Stuff White People Like premiered and quickly garnered a reputation for satirising the tastes of “left-leaning, city-dwelling white folk”. Australians might be more familiar with the popular 2009-launched phenomenon Things Bogans Like, inspired by the aforementioned North American site. There was even a semi-successful attempt at documenting the Stuff Indians Like – a worthy pursuit, I might add.

Pakistanis love things too. Here is an incomplete list of Things Pakistanis love:

 

1. Assuming the worst of people

Taxali Gate in Lahore is known for many things; being near Badshahi Mosque, Food Street, late night snacks, local workshops, traditional shoe shops… it’s also a few hundred metres from Heera Mandi, Lahore’s infamous red light district. It’s certainly very possible to visit Taxali Gate without having sex – but let’s just assume the person in question went there for that reason. Think of all the fun assumptions we could make!

 

2. Scandal

Here’s one that might surprise some of you out there. It’s not that Pakistanis love the subject of the scandal, but it seems that they need a scandal per day – switch on the news, and there it is! Veana Malik with a hijab! Veena Malik without a hijab! And the outraged gasps! The nation that gasps together stays together.

 

3. Acronyms

This is not limited to Pakistan – Indians also have a similar affection for acronyms. Remember the CWG in Delhi? (Commonwealth Games). In Pakistan, you can mention any number of acronyms, particularly with reference to the field of education, and expect the audience to understand. You could complete an FA from GCU, then move on to LUMS to study an MSc, get an NIC, move to ISB, work with IDPs, vote for PTI and say AoA!

 

4. Conspiracy theories

That person? They’re spying. They’re spying for Israel. Or America. Or both. But they’re getting paid by local charities. Yes, but those local charities are in on it too. They’re all trying to take us over. It’s because we have the atomic bomb. Or because we’re Muslim. Or because we’re Pakistan.

…or maybe they’re just doing social work?

 

5. The moral decline of society

Again, like scandal, Pakistanis love talking about how “society is going down day by day”. So much crime, such unusual foreign clothes, such immoral behaviour. It’s not that anyone actually likes the idea of moral decline – but who doesn’t love a bit of tut-tutting once in a while?

 

6. Comparing themselves with India

Out of 194 sovereign other sovereign nations, the only country that Pakistanis talk about more than their own is India. It’s not that Pakistanis love India, although deep down, most Pakistanis might in fact secretly love Indian things – like movies, music, fashion, food, celebrities… but I digress. No, it’s more that Pakistanis love to compare themselves with India. I once came back from a holiday in the mountains of northern Pakistan, and my friend knowingly remarked “isn’t it beautiful? I bet India doesn’t have anything like that.” I guess Tuvalu wouldn’t either, but he forgot to mention that.

 

7. Arguing

This is not just a habit – it’s a pastime! My friend asked someone if they could pop the hood on her car to take a look underneath – what ensued was a full-blown discussion about whether the car needed maintenance, or whether it would be cheaper to buy a new car. When some of his friends turned up, it became an argument about whether he was doing it right. In the end, my friend popped the hood herself, while they were talking about it.

 

8. America

For all it has done to the great nation of Pakistan, Pakistanis still seem to be in love with America, or specifically, the USA. While so many people are (rightly) quick to list the faults of the USA, many also want to live there, or if not, then emulate an “American” lifestyle while in Pakistan.

 

9. Taking steps

“Taking steps” seems to be the response to any issue that may arise. If there are social problems, the government is taking steps. If there are issues with the local market, the bazaaris will take steps. Too much sugar in the chai? The cafeteria guy will take steps too. If the a disabled student can’t enter a school due to a flight of stairs, be sure that someone will be taking steps, even if they can’t.

 

10. Misplaced hope

Now don’t get me wrong – we all have hope. I’m not talking about being hopeful that things will get better. I’m talking about the type of hope that says that if you comb your hair the right way this morning, you’ll be a rich Bollywood star by dinner tonight. Anyone can be rich and famous… if we try.

 

11. Starting their own business

Perhaps it’s an awareness of social status, perhaps it’s having creative control; there are many reasons why millions of Pakistanis want to start their own business rather than working for someone else. My bet is that work-life balance and job security aren’t among them; anyone who has started their own business knows how it can run your life, and how many startups fail expensively in their early stages, but that doesn’t stop droves of hopefuls (see point 10) trying to make a buck on their own.

 

12. Being thik-thak, fit-fart

Ask any Pakistani how they are, and if their day is going well enough, they’ll tell you they’re thik-thak, fit-fart. I’m assuming this is rhyming slang, and not some code to describe any wind they might be experiencing. Are you fit-fart?

Is there anything you would add to this list? Comment below!