Torn. This is how I am. So so torn. Perhaps it was inevitable, ever since I decided to split my life between two places; between my family in Australia, and my future in Pakistan.
Melbourne mode off, Lahore mode on!
Airport goodbyes are often traumatic, but what nobody tells you is that they don’t get any easier as you go along. On the contrary, they get harder.
The first time I did this was in August 2013; I was full of excitement, anticipation and apprehension. I returned triumphant with my success. The second time, in 2014, was harder and more emotional, but also exciting – I was getting established, building a new life in Lahore to call my own. But leaving Lahore in 2014 was very difficult; I was leaving home, and this time for much longer.
Arriving for my eight month stint in Melbourne in 2014 – 2015 was tough; I touched down on the 22nd July, in the middle of the notoriously depressing Melbourne winter. I felt so aggrieved to have had to leave Lahore, and that was exacerbated by my displeasure at being immersed in winter. I wore my shalwar kameez to remind myself, and I sought support from my friends who tried their hardest to keep my head up.
Looking out over a very foggy Melbourne winter’s night
Amit, Zai, Zul, Sam and Jawad, and so many others that I don’t have the space to name, were all there to catch me on the many times I fell. I also made four trips to Sydney to visit my family on various occasions, and my family surprised me with a birthday party at my house in Melbourne last October. I went to Bali for Karine and Juvens’ wedding. And all the while, I was looking forward to my return home in 2015.
The strange thing is, however, that the closer I got to leaving, the more sentimental I felt about the months that had passed. I thought about Amit lending a sympathetic ear to my rants whenever I’d had enough. Friday nights with Zaizul and Sam. The first warm Sunday night at St Albans with Jawad last November. The closer I got to leaving, the more excited I got, but also the more reflective I became on what an eight months it has been. While it was happening, I was constantly willing it to hurry up. Looking back, it seems to have all gone so quickly.
I stayed strong until the end. After I said goodbye at Melbourne airport, I began to lose my shit, and as I choked back tears my good friend Asad advised me to simply think of the future, and the road that lay ahead. It absolutely helped, but there was also the part of me that wanted, or needed, to completely feel it for a while. It was a moment of feeling completely torn, emotionally overloaded, nervous for the future, desperately wanting to leave, and strangely tethered to my life in Melbourne. But for all of that, I was choking back tears of happiness, humility and gratitude.
Goodbye, Melbourne, for now…
Dedicated to my family, Amit, Zai, Zul, Sam, Jawad, Asad, and the countless others who have walked with me during the past eight months.
Postscript: A blogging friend of mine, Elena Prokopets from Elena’s Travelgram wrote a piece for Lifehack last year called 14 Things No One Tells You About Being in a Long-Distance Relationship. Essential reading if you are splitting life between your significant other, and the place you find yourself.
Oh Tim, this is so beautiful. Honoring those mixed up, confusing feelings takes great courage and openness. The messy parts of the journey are usually where we learn the most and I know it will all serve your growth. Showing up for the lessons life has in store for us can be tough, but as you know, always worth it. All the best on your next adventure!
Awww thanks Sarah! There’s actually so much more that I’m about to share with this…. the next step in my journey was sort of the other end of the tunnel. I’m planning to post it next week – stay tuned 🙂
ok. Somehow I thought you’d already gone back to Lahore. NEXT time you’re back let’s meet. Stay safe Tim.
Ahhh no worries – yes definitely next time 🙂
Hi. Salam Sir. 🙂
That,s True Sir. Thanks for sharing your emotions. When ever I read your blogs every time i picked some good Things, which help me to Improve my Life. 🙂
Wasalam Haroon… thanks for reading… yes it was quite a personal reflection, but I hope it can help some people who feel similarly 🙂
Really touching and inspiring story, Tim. I hate saying goodbye and the moment I leave and show up at the airport… man! I hate this feeling 🙁
Awwww Agness it’s terrible, isn’t it?!?! I’m trying to hate it less… it’s just a part of living and travelling…
I’m with you – the good-byes are tough, but that’s why I love being in airport arrivals areas…even if you aren’t meeting someone there it is so uplifting to see all the other reunions and happy connections!
That’s very true… Airport arrivals are like the other side of this coin! Thanks for reading
What a beautiful post, Tim. I can’t imagine how you are feeling or felt as you hit the road for home, and having to go through leaving behind all your wonderful family & friends behind. I shall think of you over the next few weeks, send you lots of love and happy thoughts while you settle in. 🙂
Awwww thanks Anna! It was quite a personal reflection, and there’s lots more coming up…. but as you know, I’ve settled in very well, and now smiling lots 🙂
I hope you’re doing well!! How are the India plans coming along?
I kinda hit a wall with moving in any direction with my life, the whole work thing threw me. But, I am now considering visiting India in March-ish next year. That a good time to visit?
Ahhhhhh that’s frustrating… I know how hard that can be. Long before all of this blogging-life, split living, Chennai, Lahore, reality check happened, I felt like I was stuck in such a rut. It can be incredibly depressing, but there is always hope. You need to be ready to take the next step – it can’t be rushed. But you will sooner or later 🙂
March is a lovely time to visit India – I might even be there around that time!!
Assalam o Alaikum SIR,
I’ve Read like 7-8 of your blogs till now and to be very honest Sir these are amazing. and i’ve never read someone’s blog with such interest like i did now. this one was really emotional and it kinda touched my heart because i surely can’t relate to your condition but yes i know very well about these airport goodbyes as i’ve been through such situations and i know how it goes. All I can say is, what you’ve done in your life for your future, it takes a lot of Guts to do that and you’re quite an inspiration 🙂
Looking forward to read something amazing by you.
Waalikum asalam!
Thank you very much for the support – it really means a lot to me 🙂
You’re right airport goodbyes are always emotional, and I guess in the future you may find yourself with the beautiful curse of living between two homes. This also takes guts, and I’m sure you will succeed at whatever you chose to do in life 🙂
Stay in touch,
Tim 🙂